Thursday, January 11, 2007

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (Todd’s Wed. Night Campaign)


NPC: I don’t work at the weapons shop!

Farone: Oh, right. You’re a random person.


NPC: Lizardmen can breathe underwater for 9 hours.

Eli: Not without their heads. It’s a fact.


Farone: Forgive my friend. He’s a little thin.

NPC: Thin?

Farone: Um…words are hard.


Janessa: We’re just going across the river. Why do we need a boat?

Eli: We’re going DOWN the river.

Janessa: No we’re not! There’s bad guys down there!


Eli: Let’s haggle.

NPC: Ok, 100 gold.

Eli: None.

NPC: 150?

Eli: You’re good.

NPC: …

Eli: 20…90…100

NPC: I’ll take 20-90-100.

Farone: How about 50?

NPC: Ok. 50.

Farone: Sold. (To Eli) YOU shut up.


Janessa: You freaking whore!

Kurt: You just wanna say whore.

Janessa: Dude, I like whores.


Janessa: I’m gonna lean over the side of the boat. But don’t let it bite me. If it’s gonna bite me I’m not gonna do it.


Janessa: Dude, how much room you got in that robe?

Kurt: Infinity.

Janessa: (thinks for a second)…nuh-uh.


Dave: Somehow I got hurt.

Farone: Could be the lighting bolt the mage hit you with.

Kurt: You didn’t see that!

Farone: There was a ball of lightning and the cleric went “AAARGH!”. It was kind of hard to miss.


James: I’m freaking walking back into camp all triumphant and sh*t. “That’s right! I tracked something!”


Janessa: I never stole from you.

Dave: Never?

Janessa: Never.

Dave: Really?

Janessa: Never!

Dave: Not even the evil sword?

Janessa: That was on your horse.


Janessa: I’ve only stolen from the half orc, the Halfling, and your horse.

Dave: So, like half the party.

Janessa: Yeah.


Janessa: Wait! I sense loot on the cleric.

Janessa: I’m sending the orc to time out.

Eli:…I don’t know what to do, she’s littler than me.


Eli: Lizardmen are evil.

Dave: Not all of them.

Eli: They all try to kill us!

Dave: Not these.

Eli: Oh, they want to.


James: Where’d you get dry ice?

Farone: It’s a monk thing.


Janessa: (To James) You should shoot him. You can hit things. (To Kurt) You know acupuncture, right? Hit him with something in the “make him not move” spot.


DM: 2.

Janessa: 2 what?

DM: Points of damage.

Janessa: From what?!?

DM: Fish biting you.

Janessa: But I hate fish!


Janessa: Why are you alerting them? This is our room! They can suck it.


Janessa: I wanna sell my soul to this bad guy. He seems cool.



Farone: You’re so not a monk…


NPC: I know a wizard…

Janessa: Is it Mephisto?

Kurt: Stop talking in front of the bad guy!


Farone: I give her some bracers.

Janessa: Are they magical?

Farone: Yes.

Janessa: Yay! I play with them.


NPC: My family should be ruling this land!

Kurt: You smell like a yak.

Janessa: That was so random.


Dave: You stand for everything Pelor is against.

NPC: Oh-yada-yada-yada.

Janessa: Really!

Eli: Sorry cleric, even I’m puking over here.


Eli: Ok, so we need to go to the coast town.

James: As the ranger let me map out a route.

Eli: Oh, God, we’re doomed.


DM: All the NPC’s are staring at the cleric.

Janessa: (quietly to herself) Yes. Kill the cleric.


(Janessa has a small spider on her arm)

Eli: (Drawing his greatsword) I’ll get it.

Janessa: No you’re not! Don’t you freaking dare, you whore!


Janessa: What dagger are you selling?

Farone: The shiny one. You don’t want it.

Dave: It’s all covered with gems…

Janessa: Oh, I so want it.


Eli: We were talking about that like 5 minutes ago.

Janessa: I’m all covered with lag over here. Things take longer to get to me.


(The monk is running a drinking game)

Farone: Take a drink for raising your voice to me!

Eli: F*ck you monk!

Farone: Oh, you said f*ck you. You don’t have to take a drink.

Eli: Sweet. Ah I’ll drink anyway.


Dave: Mosley didn’t mention that he would buy armor.

Farone: You didn’t tell him you had armor.

Dave: SHH!


Dave: I’m asking about magic.

Kurt: I can tell you about magic.

Farone: Sort of…


Farone: Is the rogue a magical beast?

DM: No.

Janessa: Pwned.


James: (Randomly leafing through a rule book) Man, elves are freaking hot!


NPC Sailor: Do you have money?

Janessa: Oh, I have money.

NPC Sailor: How much?

Janessa: I don’t know.

NPC Sailor: You don’t know how much money you have?

Janessa: Oh, I know…


NPC: I’ll give you some money if you can make the wizard stop singing.

Janessa: Done. Mage, stop singing! Or the stabbity will commence.


Janessa: Hey, you got me a new dagger. Where is it?

Dave: What dagger?

Janessa: Oh, I don’t know. I just *sensed* new loot on you.


James: I follow the chunky elf.

Janessa: Excuse me?


DM: What are you casting?

Kurt: Well, I was thinking Tenser’s floating-

Eli: Here’s an idea. KILL IT! BURN IT! BLOW IT UP!!!


Janessa: I try to pick the lock with my magical thingies…

Farone: Breasts?


Janessa: (Examining a locked door) It’s probably a spell. Can somebody check this for spells?


Eli: Dude, you’re being all spooky.

Farone: I’m a monk.


James: There’s blood falling from the sky, a house blew up, there’s zombies in the church basement…this town is f*cked up, man, we should go. Let’s travel somewhere where it’s not raining blood and do something there.


Janessa: (Looking at miniature zombies) They’re cute. I wanna be their friend.


Eli: We know our ranger can’t track.

James: Wait! I’ll look. Just let me look…I don’t see anything.


DM: Just like Janessa you took 3 points of damage.

Janessa: Hey, I’m way the f*ck over here!


Janessa: I can’t tell if this door is trapped. Hey, cleric, be helpful and open this door.


(The elf nudges an NPC who appears catatonic)

NPC: The on descend shall evil of night land, at near are signs of hexad this when hand.

Farone: Nudge him again, see if you can get a different channel.


Kurt: There’s just too many homoerotic references here today…


(Repeated line throughout the campaign)

Janessa: Back off, cleric!


Eli: Let’s see, this plantation has two dug up graves…a body hanging from a tree…and, hey, Bay Windows!


Kurt: We got Nok, Bahzel, Telwyn-

Farone: It’s Bahzel.

Dave: That’s what he said. Bahzel.

Farone: Bahzel. Bahzel is a girls name.


Janessa: I got bit by a werewolf. I don’t bamf anymore. I lycanthropy over there…


Dave: A book of evil rituals? Let’s burn it.

Kurt. Maybe it tells you how to stop the blood rain from falling from the sky.

Dave: That would be in the book of good rituals.

Kurt: How would you know? You always burn these…


Farone: Does he look like Luc?

DM: Yes.

Farone: Aww man, we just killed Marcel!

Dave: He was trying to kill us-

Farone: Actually, he did 30 points of damage to me. F*ck Marcel!


Janessa: I saved this town from a zombie!

Farone: She is a rogue. She’s stealing the cleric’s credit.


Farone: Pelor is the God of the Sun. He brings Light.

NPC: He sounds like a good deity.

Farone: He is.

Dave: You follow Pelor?

Farone: No.


DM: He tried to surprise you in a dark stairway with a sword in his hand.

Janessa: Maybe he’s nice…


Janessa: My character weighs exactly 100 lbs.

Farone and Eli laugh.


Farone: How do you know he was a thief?

Kurt: He was dressed in black and wearing a mask.

Farone: Oh, yeah, that makes him a thief.

Kurt: Ok, he was a swamp ninja.


DM: You can tell it’s the elf’s blood.

Eli: How?

Farone: We’ve seen her blood so often that we recognize it.

DM: Plus you can tell it’s her blood because it’s trying to steal stuff from the other blood around it…


DM: It’s filled with blades, chains, spikes, leather straps…

Eli: Torture Equipment.

Dave: You recognized that awful quick.

Eli: I’m a half-orc. They’re like marital aids.


Janessa: You can’t hear me.

Farone: Yes I can.

Janessa: You aren’t even here.

Farone: I’m in the hall.

Janessa: At the other end.

Farone: It’s a short hallway!

Janessa: Well…it’s round.


(Talking to the Gypsy)

Janessa: You and I are the same…What?!? Gypsies steal things…

(later that day)

Janessa: Well, since she’s not a witch, and she doesn’t steal things, which, by the way, is very disappointing…


Kurt: Who killed that last cleric?

Farone: Luck. And Dave.


DM: Where is all this resting taking place?

Kurt: We need a camp.

Janessa: We can make a little cute camp right here.


Eli: Did anyone read the note?

Kurt: Yeah…the bodies are the mayor-

Eli: Not that, the other note!

Janessa: Wow, tangents rule.


Janessa: One of us should sneak in.

Dave: Ok, I’ll do it.

Janessa: Hey! I have 8 in move silently so suck it!


Farone: Are they armed?

DM: Vaguely…


(After pummeling a snakeman for 13 points of damage)

Farone: That’s how we do it in Monkville, Bitch!


Farone: Is it flickering like a flame? Or not flickering like…not a flame.


Eli: Who is she talking to?

Farone: Her invisible Elf boyfriend.


Janessa: I’m huffing in the corner cause he’s being a jerk.


Janessa: I was knocked unconscious, I woke up on an altar, I got hit in the back, and you guys are bastards!


Farone: Did you open the middle chest?

Janessa: No, cause the cleric’s by it and I don’t like him.


Janessa: I’m gonna go look at myself in the mirror, cause I’m hot.


Eli: I’m thinking about ripping her head off and drinking her like a coke.

Farone: Well, like a diet coke.

Janessa: No, remember, I’m medium plus.


Eli: I’m going to run around banging pots and pans until someone comes to find us.

Farone: No he’s not. I checked his character sheet. He doesn’t have pots and pans.


Janessa: What? That’s funny right? There’s someone upstairs wacking around?

: Um…the note says walking around.

Janessa: Oh.


Janessa: Where do I look up skills?

DM: See, this is why I handed you a players handbook a minute ago. And now you’ve lost it!

Janessa: What? I don’t have it!

DM: This is what I’m saying.


Janessa: You’re pretty flamboyant with your money there.

Farone: Yeah. I’m a monk.

Farone: Before we leave I’m gonna go get some of that fruit. I’m a monk. Monks love fruit.


Janessa: We’re waiting for scragglers.

DM: What the f*ck are scragglers?

Janessa: You know, like…drunk…people.


Farone: Since we’re stayling…er, staying…

Dave: Stayling?

Farone: Yes. To wait for scragglers.


Janessa: I’m gonna go sulk. I’m an elf. I can do that.


Dave: Laws are good, but sometimes the good of the people outweighs the law of the land.

Janessa: Oh, malarkey.


Eli: If we leave by another gate we won’t even have to explain.

Dave: That was my point.

Janessa: Well, if anybody’s going to bluff, it should be me.

Everyone: …


Janessa: What is size?

DM: You’re an elf so put medium.

Farone: You’re kind of a fat elf so put medium plus.


Farone: Who’s Pelor?

DM: He’s the God of the Sun.

Eli: Who’s the father?

Janessa: Your momma.


Farone: This game’s never going to work because no one here has any personality.

Janessa: Hey, I have a 13!