DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (Todd’s Wed. Night Campaign)
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NPC: I don’t work at the weapons shop!
Farone: Oh, right. You’re a random person.
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NPC: Lizardmen can breathe underwater for 9 hours.
Eli: Not without their heads. It’s a fact.
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Farone: Forgive my friend. He’s a little thin.
NPC: Thin?
Farone: Um…words are hard.
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Janessa: We’re just going across the river. Why do we need a boat?
Eli: We’re going DOWN the river.
Janessa: No we’re not! There’s bad guys down there!
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Eli: Let’s haggle.
NPC: Ok, 100 gold.
Eli: None.
NPC: 150?
Eli: You’re good.
NPC: …
Eli: 20…90…100
NPC: I’ll take 20-90-100.
Farone: How about 50?
NPC: Ok. 50.
Farone: Sold. (To Eli) YOU shut up.
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Janessa: You freaking whore!
Kurt: You just wanna say whore.
Janessa: Dude, I like whores.
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Janessa: I’m gonna lean over the side of the boat. But don’t let it bite me. If it’s gonna bite me I’m not gonna do it.
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Janessa: Dude, how much room you got in that robe?
Kurt: Infinity.
Janessa: (thinks for a second)…nuh-uh.
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Dave: Somehow I got hurt.
Farone: Could be the lighting bolt the mage hit you with.
Kurt: You didn’t see that!
Farone: There was a ball of lightning and the cleric went “AAARGH!”. It was kind of hard to miss.
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James: I’m freaking walking back into camp all triumphant and sh*t. “That’s right! I tracked something!”
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Janessa: I never stole from you.
Dave: Never?
Janessa: Never.
Dave: Really?
Janessa: Never!
Dave: Not even the evil sword?
Janessa: That was on your horse.
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Janessa: I’ve only stolen from the half orc, the Halfling, and your horse.
Dave: So, like half the party.
Janessa: Yeah.
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Janessa: Wait! I sense loot on the cleric.
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Janessa: I’m sending the orc to time out.
Eli:…I don’t know what to do, she’s littler than me.
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Eli: Lizardmen are evil.
Dave: Not all of them.
Eli: They all try to kill us!
Dave: Not these.
Eli: Oh, they want to.
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James: Where’d you get dry ice?
Farone: It’s a monk thing.
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Janessa: (To James) You should shoot him. You can hit things. (To Kurt) You know acupuncture, right? Hit him with something in the “make him not move” spot.
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DM: 2.
Janessa: 2 what?
DM: Points of damage.
Janessa: From what?!?
DM: Fish biting you.
Janessa: But I hate fish!
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Janessa: Why are you alerting them? This is our room! They can suck it.
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Janessa: I wanna sell my soul to this bad guy. He seems cool.
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Farone: You’re so not a monk…
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NPC: I know a wizard…
Janessa: Is it Mephisto?
Kurt: Stop talking in front of the bad guy!
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Farone: I give her some bracers.
Janessa: Are they magical?
Farone: Yes.
Janessa: Yay! I play with them.
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NPC: My family should be ruling this land!
Kurt: You smell like a yak.
Janessa: That was so random.
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Dave: You stand for everything Pelor is against.
NPC: Oh-yada-yada-yada.
Janessa: Really!
Eli: Sorry cleric, even I’m puking over here.
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Eli: Ok, so we need to go to the coast town.
James: As the ranger let me map out a route.
Eli: Oh, God, we’re doomed.
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DM: All the NPC’s are staring at the cleric.
Janessa: (quietly to herself) Yes. Kill the cleric.
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(Janessa has a small spider on her arm)
Eli: (Drawing his greatsword) I’ll get it.
Janessa: No you’re not! Don’t you freaking dare, you whore!
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Janessa: What dagger are you selling?
Farone: The shiny one. You don’t want it.
Dave: It’s all covered with gems…
Janessa: Oh, I so want it.
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Eli: We were talking about that like 5 minutes ago.
Janessa: I’m all covered with lag over here. Things take longer to get to me.
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(The monk is running a drinking game)
Farone: Take a drink for raising your voice to me!
Eli: F*ck you monk!
Farone: Oh, you said f*ck you. You don’t have to take a drink.
Eli: Sweet. Ah I’ll drink anyway.
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Dave: Mosley didn’t mention that he would buy armor.
Farone: You didn’t tell him you had armor.
Dave: SHH!
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Dave: I’m asking about magic.
Kurt: I can tell you about magic.
Farone: Sort of…
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Farone: Is the rogue a magical beast?
DM: No.
Janessa: Pwned.
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James: (Randomly leafing through a rule book) Man, elves are freaking hot!
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NPC Sailor: Do you have money?
Janessa: Oh, I have money.
NPC Sailor: How much?
Janessa: I don’t know.
NPC Sailor: You don’t know how much money you have?
Janessa: Oh, I know…
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NPC: I’ll give you some money if you can make the wizard stop singing.
Janessa: Done. Mage, stop singing! Or the stabbity will commence.
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Janessa: Hey, you got me a new dagger. Where is it?
Dave: What dagger?
Janessa: Oh, I don’t know. I just *sensed* new loot on you.
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James: I follow the chunky elf.
Janessa: Excuse me?
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DM: What are you casting?
Kurt: Well, I was thinking Tenser’s floating-
Eli: Here’s an idea. KILL IT! BURN IT! BLOW IT UP!!!
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Janessa: I try to pick the lock with my magical thingies…
Farone: Breasts?
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Janessa: (Examining a locked door) It’s probably a spell. Can somebody check this for spells?
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Eli: Dude, you’re being all spooky.
Farone: I’m a monk.
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James: There’s blood falling from the sky, a house blew up, there’s zombies in the church basement…this town is f*cked up, man, we should go. Let’s travel somewhere where it’s not raining blood and do something there.
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Janessa: (Looking at miniature zombies) They’re cute. I wanna be their friend.
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Eli: We know our ranger can’t track.
James: Wait! I’ll look. Just let me look…I don’t see anything.
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DM: Just like Janessa you took 3 points of damage.
Janessa: Hey, I’m way the f*ck over here!
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Janessa: I can’t tell if this door is trapped. Hey, cleric, be helpful and open this door.
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(The elf nudges an NPC who appears catatonic)
NPC: The on descend shall evil of night land, at near are signs of hexad this when hand.
Farone: Nudge him again, see if you can get a different channel.
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Kurt: There’s just too many homoerotic references here today…
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(Repeated line throughout the campaign)
Janessa: Back off, cleric!
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Eli: Let’s see, this plantation has two dug up graves…a body hanging from a tree…and, hey, Bay Windows!
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Kurt: We got Nok, Bahzel, Telwyn-
Farone: It’s Bahzel.
Dave: That’s what he said. Bahzel.
Farone: Bahzel. Bahzel is a girls name.
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Janessa: I got bit by a werewolf. I don’t bamf anymore. I lycanthropy over there…
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Dave: A book of evil rituals? Let’s burn it.
Kurt. Maybe it tells you how to stop the blood rain from falling from the sky.
Dave: That would be in the book of good rituals.
Kurt: How would you know? You always burn these…
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Farone: Does he look like Luc?
DM: Yes.
Farone: Aww man, we just killed Marcel!
Dave: He was trying to kill us-
Farone: Actually, he did 30 points of damage to me. F*ck Marcel!
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Janessa: I saved this town from a zombie!
Farone: She is a rogue. She’s stealing the cleric’s credit.
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Farone: Pelor is the God of the Sun. He brings Light.
NPC: He sounds like a good deity.
Farone: He is.
Dave: You follow Pelor?
Farone: No.
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DM: He tried to surprise you in a dark stairway with a sword in his hand.
Janessa: Maybe he’s nice…
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Janessa: My character weighs exactly 100 lbs.
Farone and Eli laugh.
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Farone: How do you know he was a thief?
Kurt: He was dressed in black and wearing a mask.
Farone: Oh, yeah, that makes him a thief.
Kurt: Ok, he was a swamp ninja.
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DM: You can tell it’s the elf’s blood.
Eli: How?
Farone: We’ve seen her blood so often that we recognize it.
DM: Plus you can tell it’s her blood because it’s trying to steal stuff from the other blood around it…
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DM: It’s filled with blades, chains, spikes, leather straps…
Eli: Torture Equipment.
Dave: You recognized that awful quick.
Eli: I’m a half-orc. They’re like marital aids.
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Janessa: You can’t hear me.
Farone: Yes I can.
Janessa: You aren’t even here.
Farone: I’m in the hall.
Janessa: At the other end.
Farone: It’s a short hallway!
Janessa: Well…it’s round.
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(Talking to the Gypsy)
Janessa: You and I are the same…What?!? Gypsies steal things…
(later that day)
Janessa: Well, since she’s not a witch, and she doesn’t steal things, which, by the way, is very disappointing…
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Kurt: Who killed that last cleric?
Farone: Luck. And Dave.
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DM: Where is all this resting taking place?
Kurt: We need a camp.
Janessa: We can make a little cute camp right here.
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Eli: Did anyone read the note?
Kurt: Yeah…the bodies are the mayor-
Eli: Not that, the other note!
Janessa: Wow, tangents rule.
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Janessa: One of us should sneak in.
Dave: Ok, I’ll do it.
Janessa: Hey! I have 8 in move silently so suck it!
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Farone: Are they armed?
DM: Vaguely…
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(After pummeling a snakeman for 13 points of damage)
Farone: That’s how we do it in Monkville, Bitch!
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Farone: Is it flickering like a flame? Or not flickering like…not a flame.
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Eli: Who is she talking to?
Farone: Her invisible Elf boyfriend.
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Janessa: I’m huffing in the corner cause he’s being a jerk.
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Janessa: I was knocked unconscious, I woke up on an altar, I got hit in the back, and you guys are bastards!
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Farone: Did you open the middle chest?
Janessa: No, cause the cleric’s by it and I don’t like him.
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Janessa: I’m gonna go look at myself in the mirror, cause I’m hot.
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Eli: I’m thinking about ripping her head off and drinking her like a coke.
Farone: Well, like a diet coke.
Janessa: No, remember, I’m medium plus.
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Eli: I’m going to run around banging pots and pans until someone comes to find us.
Farone: No he’s not. I checked his character sheet. He doesn’t have pots and pans.
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Janessa: What? That’s funny right? There’s someone upstairs wacking around?
Janessa: Oh.
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Janessa: Where do I look up skills?
DM: See, this is why I handed you a players handbook a minute ago. And now you’ve lost it!
Janessa: What? I don’t have it!
DM: This is what I’m saying.
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Janessa: You’re pretty flamboyant with your money there.
Farone: Yeah. I’m a monk.
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Farone: Before we leave I’m gonna go get some of that fruit. I’m a monk. Monks love fruit.
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Janessa: We’re waiting for scragglers.
DM: What the f*ck are scragglers?
Janessa: You know, like…drunk…people.
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Farone: Since we’re stayling…er, staying…
Dave: Stayling?
Farone: Yes. To wait for scragglers.
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Janessa: I’m gonna go sulk. I’m an elf. I can do that.
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Dave: Laws are good, but sometimes the good of the people outweighs the law of the land.
Janessa: Oh, malarkey.
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Eli: If we leave by another gate we won’t even have to explain.
Dave: That was my point.
Janessa: Well, if anybody’s going to bluff, it should be me.
Everyone: …
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Janessa: What is size?
DM: You’re an elf so put medium.
Farone: You’re kind of a fat elf so put medium plus.
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Farone: Who’s Pelor?
DM: He’s the God of the Sun.
Eli: Who’s the father?
Janessa: Your momma.
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Farone: This game’s never going to work because no one here has any personality.
Janessa: Hey, I have a 13!
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